The best plans in history were last-minute
by whatamidoing765
Summary: Some of the "best" plans were never used during Wu Zhang Plains. Well, here's Zhuge Liang acting stupid and he ends up in a wheelchair. Who put him there? Oh, a "horse."


**Wu Zhang Plains**

**Zhuge Liang:Send these to Sima Yi.**

**Jiang Wei:You never did this historically...**

**Zhuge Liang:Just do it!**

**Wei's camp**

**Peon:A package from someone!**

**Sima Yi:*sarcasm* Oh, I wonder who sent me such a large box of unknown contents. I HOPE it's not a dress! *opens it* Oh, what do you know! It's a dress! Sooo original, Zhuge Liang!**

**Everyone at the table just stared at him.**

**Sima Yi:Nothing. (But Zhuge Liang, this is getting waay too old. I'll send a message to him. Besides, he gave me some things I'll find use for later.)**

**Shu's camp**

**Zhuge Liang:...**

**Note: Dear Zhuge Liang, thanks for some last-minute gifts for Wang Yuanji, Zhang Chunhua, and Zhang He. **

**Zhuge Liang:Oh, right, he's married now. He has a daughter-in-law too. Zhang He just likes dresses. This dress idea is getting useless. I'm going to try to do a different tactic. Jiang Wei! Activate Operation G.S.Y.T.F.O!**

**Jiang Wei:Since when do we have that?**

**Zhuge Liang:Since now! **

***30 minutes later***

**Jiang Wei:What does raiding women's dressing chambers really do in the operation? Also, what does it G.S.Y.T.F.O mean?**

**Zhuge Liang:This will be essential to "Getting Sima Yi the F**k Out".**

**Jiang wei:Uhh...okay...**

**Wei's camp**

**Sima Yi:Now this will*more military stuff*. And I will-hmm?**

**He sees a crate flying across the sky, and failed to react as it crashes into him, shattering to pieces.**

**Sima Shi:Father, are you...**

**The smoke clears revealing a giant pile of women's undergarments.**

**...okay...?**

**Sima Zhao:...Women's underwear? **

**Guo Huai:I shall save you, Master Sima Yi...**

**He stops to see the pile.**

**...from this..?**

**Deng Ai:The pile's moving.**

**The pile had a hand extend from the top.**

**Sima Shi goes to grab the hand.**

**Sima Shi:Are...**

**Sima Yi's head pops out of the pile, a bra stuck to his face.**

**...*snickers* you okay...?**

**Sima Zhao:..There's something on your head...**

**Sima Yi:Yes, I know...but, how did he gather that many? *removes the bra* This is pretty big...he must have raided someone's dressing chambers outside of Shu.**

**Zhang Chunhua:What is all the commotion about...? She stops to see Sima Yi holding the bra.**

**Sima Yi:...Why are you always the one that sees my most shameful moment...?**

**Shu's camp**

**Zhuge Liang is looking through a telescope, watching the madness.**

**Jiang Wei:Is that supposed to be even invented now?**

**Zhuge Liang:Shut up. Look at him, he is the most embarrassed person in the camp. I'm sure he'll get mad and come to attack now.**

** Wei's camp**

**Sima Zhao:We should send this back.**

**Sima Yi:Yes, now. Ugh, I hope those weren't used. Hey, there are some that-**

**Zhang Chunhua:*holds up a garment*...This is mine...and this one...**

**Sima Yi:He must have gone over to take some of yours. **

**Sima Zhao:Some of Yuanji's are here...**

**They all looked at him funny.**

**Sima Zhao:What? Of course I know, but do you?**

**Sima Shi:Now we do.**

**Sima Yi:Zhuge Liang's just trying to provoke me, but this is just perverted.**

**Shu's camp**

**Zhuge Liang:Ok, Plan B.**

**Jiang Wei:We can just wait...**

**Zhuge Liang:No, it has been months, I can't wait now.**

***20 minutes later***

**Jiang Wei:I sent him some scrolls saying a fake surrender you wrote.**

**Zhuge Liang:Now, let's wait. **

**Jiang Wei:What did you put in them?**

**Zhuge Liang:You will see.**

**Wei's camp**

**Peon:Shu is saying they will surrender!**

**Sima Yi:...*burst out laughing*...No, you're joking! *laughs***

**Peon:They sent us scrolls on the surrender.**

**Sima Yi:Let me see. They will never surrender just like that.**

**He unravels the scroll, and green ink exploded all over his face and chest.**

**Sima Yi:*spits*...Yeah, not working...But you ruined my robes!**

**Sima Shi:Father, what is wr-huh? What happened to you? You're covered in green!**

**Sima Yi:Just get me clean robes.**

**AHH!**

**Sima Zhao:What's-huh?**

**He sees Deng Ai and Guo Huai covered in green ink, holding scrolls.**

**Guo Huai:*coughs*..The scroll spouted green liquid all over me!**

**Deng Ai:Mine did too.**

**Shu's camp**

**Zhuge Liang:Ugh...Plan C.**

**Jiang Wei:Why are you so persistent into getting Sima Yi to come out?**

**Zhuge Liang:He's fun to make angry. **

***10 minutes later***

**Jiang Wei:When did we have this?**

**Zhuge Liang:Yue Ying's newest invention. **

**Wei's camp**

**Sima Yi:What is it now?**

**Peon:A giant figure has appeared over the camp.**

**Sima Yi walks outside and sees a Gundam standing over him.**

**Sima Yi:..What. The. F- *giant laser is shot at him***

**The laser blackened everything.**

**Sima Yi:*blackened body and face*...*coughs smoke*...Nope...**

**Shu's camp**

**Zhuge Liang:How can he be still standing? Wait, I have another thing to send him.**

***10 minutes later***

**Sima Yi:*wipes his face* What was that thing? That technology is too advanced even for him.**

**Peon:A package.**

**Sima Yi:Oh, no! I'm not opening that! . . .**

**Sima Shi:How about I open it for you?**

**Sima Yi:No, it might be a trap.**

**Zhang Chunhua:I'll open it.**

**She opens the box, and she pulls out lingerie, confused.**

**Sima Yi:...What is that..? Is that even clothing?**

**Zhang Chunhua:...Are you sure this ****is your rival...? He seems to be more like a pervert than a strategist...**

**Sima Yi:I'll return this to him this instance...He gets the piece of "clothing", pauses, and stares at it.**

**Sima Shi:Father? You said you're going to return it to him.**

**Sima Yi:..Yes, I know. Just give me a minute...You know what? Chunhua, can you-*knife flies by his head*...Nevermind, I'll return it now...**

**Sima Zhao:Can I have it-*knife hits him* ..Ok, return it...**

**Shu camp**

**Zhuge Liang:He wanted his wife to wear it, heh. Sima Zhao, too. (Wait, he's going to return it to me. It would be a waste to just throw that out. I'll ask Yue Ying to wear it.)**

**Jiang Wei:What plans do you have now?**

**Zhuge Liang:I'm just getting started...**

**Wei camp**

**Sima Yi:What is this? Another box... He opens it and walks away from it fast. Nothing. What's in there-AHH! A raccoon jumps on to his face.**

**Zhuge Liang:*snickers* **

***10 minutes later***

**Sima Yi:Ok, got that thing off. I feel a little sick...**

**Sima Shi:Are you okay?**

**Sima Yi:There are five of you...no...ten...ugh...Everything looks so swirly...He collapses onto the ground.**

**Zhuge Liang:The creature made him inhale a drug I planted on to it.**

**Jiang Wei:Will he be okay? Do I want him to be okay?**

**Zhuge Liang:He'll wake up later.**

***15 minutes later***

**Sima Yi:My head...I should go and see what is happening.**** He walks out of his tent into the camp.**

**Sima Shi:*pulls out sword* Who are you?**

**Sima Yi:What are you talking about? I'm your father.**

**Sima Shi:My father doesn't have a beard.**

**Sima Yi:What? *rubs his chin* What the-? Let me see a mirror!**

**He goes into a random tent and looks in the mirror. He sees a goatee and and moustache on himself.**

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!**

**Sima Yi:How in the world I got facial hair in just minutes?! *tugs on his goatee* And it's not fake.**

**Sima Zhao:What is that noise...? Who are you?**

**Sima Yi:Your. Father.**

**Sima Zhao:Oh, really? He doesn't have a moustache. **

**Sima Yi:You wet the bed when you were five, and another time when you were seven.**

**Sima Zhao:Yeah, you're him. How did you get that though?**

**Sima Yi:Please walk with me, so I won't get anymore unhappy greetings.**

**Shu**

**Jiang Wei:I'm not sure giving him a goatee will make him mad...And how did you even do it?**

**Zhuge Liang:We'll see. He has a real one, thanks to Guan Yu's special beard restoration gel I put on the creature's tail. I'm sure he is going to be displeased at least.**

**Wei**

**Sima Yi:This feels itchy...How can Cao Cao or Zhuge Liang live with this?**

**Sima Zhao:Can you just cut it off?**

**Sima Shi:It looks funny on you, but I'll get used to it.**

**Sima Yi:I need a way to get rid of it permanently. This is a pain...**

**Sima Zhao:Why are you so displeased? It makes you look like you're really our father.**

**Sima Yi:I find beards rather unpleasant. (Because of some people.)**

**Sima Zhao:It makes you more manly.**

**Sima Yi:And you're saying I did not look like a man before?**

**Sima Zhao:Yes. Your eyelashes are longer than Mother's. I think that says something.**

**Sima Yi:They are not! They just grew faster than hers for some unknown reason.**

**Sima Shi:I feel like fooling the other officers.**

**Sima Yi:They are going to kill me unless you verify who I am. This facial hair was enough to fool both of you, it will fool the others.**

**Sima Zhao:Let's try to fool Mother. **

**They walked him to where Zhang Chunhua was standing.**

**Sima Zhao:Try to guess who this is.**

**Zhang Chunhua:Your father with a fake goatee.**

**Sima Shi:This is not fake.**

**Zhang Chunhua:Then Sima Fu.**

**Sima Yi:How do you go from me, to one of my brothers?! Are you people that skeptical on me having facial hair? And Fu's a generic!**

**Zhang Chuhua:Oh, my lord, you...look different...**

**Sima Zhao:*snickers* Ok, let's go to Guo Huai and Deng Ai.**

**The two walk him over to a table where Guo Huai and Deng Ai were sitting at.**

**Guo Huai:Who is that with you? A new officer? Let me guess...Sima Fu?**

**Deng Ai:Wang Ji or Shi Bao?**

**Sima Yi:What? How can you two not know it's me?**

**Sima Zhao:Oh, wait, you're not wearing your hat. *puts the hat on him* There.**

**Guo Huai:Oh, hi, Master Sima Yi! Did you grow a beard? **

**Deng Ai:It looks decent on you.**

**Sima Yi:With my hat, you recognize me...but without it, you think I'm a whole another person. **

**Sima Shi:It's because that hat is more you than yourself.**

**Sima Yi:What?! How?!**

**Sima Shi:The hat is 90% Sima Yi.**

**Sima Yi:What's me?!**

**Sima Shi:5% is water, garbage, blood, and semen. The other 5% is nothing.**

**Sima Yi:That's what I am?! Garbage?! *takes off hat and tosses it***

**Sima Shi:*runs to the hat* Father, you alright?**

**Sima Yi:You fool! I'm over here!**

**Sima Zhao:*runs to the hat* Do you need any medical attention?**

**Sima Yi:You two are just doing this to make fun of me, huh?! That's it, I'll go give some payback to Zhuge Liang.**

**Shu**

**Jiang Wei:He's coming to attack, I bet.**

**Zhuge Liang:Just as planned.**

**Peon:A package came for you!**

**Zhuge Liang:Huh? Sima Yi sent me something? He opens the box, with a clear liquid shot at his face. *spits* What is this? It smells so strong. **

**Jiang Wei:...Uhh...your beard...**

**Zhuge Liang:What? *rubs his chin* ...Give me a mirror...**

**Jiang Wei takes one out of a nearby tent and back to him, holding the mirror. The mirror showed Zhuge Liang's beard falling off.**

**Zhuge Liang:What the..? It's falling off! What was that liquid?**

**He goes back to the box, and sees a note.**

**Note:Since you gave me something I don't want, I took something you need. The liquid was hair remover, and it will make your beard fall off as you read this.**

**Zhuge Liang:..That...grr... I'm not done yet...*more of his beard falls off***

**Wei**

**Sima Yi:*laughs* I hope he likes his new look. Right now, I'll have to deal with this.**

**Sima Shi:Couldn't you use the hair remover?**

**Sima Yi:...I emptied the whole bottle in the box...(Damn it.)...I grabbed that from the abandoned room that used to be Zhen Ji's...it was the only bottle...Wait, I'll just go and get it from Zhang He's room. But I can't leave now...**

**Sima Shi:I say the beard is a nice look to you.**

**Sima Zhao:I think so, too. What do you think, Mother?**

**Zhang Chunhua:I think it makes you a little more handsome.**

**Sima Yi:*blushes* Really? Zhao, how about you grow one and see if Yuanji likes it.**

**Sima Zhao:I can't. **

**Peon:A package.**

**Sima Yi:Here we go again. I'll just open it.**

**He opens it and nothing happened.**

**Sima Yi:Why did he send me nothing? AHHH! **

**A large rocket propels itself into Sima Yi, taking him across the camp and explodes.**

**Sima Yi:*coughs smoke*...Is this a little childish...? **

**Shu**

**Zhuge Liang:*beard falls off completely* That didn't burn it off..**

**Jiang Wei:It hits his abdomen, and goes across the camp, then explodes. It didn't even touch his face.**

**Zhuge Liang:That man is indestructible...How about something out of this time period?**

**Wei**

**Sima Yi:I...am...done...That man is trying way too hard. Hmm?**

**A box lands near him. It shatters, revealing a boombox. It automatically turns on and plays Justin Bieber's "Baby".**

**Sima Yi:*plugs ears* What is this? It sounds like if you you got Zhang He and Li Dian singing together!**

**Sima Zhao:*plugs ears* It sounds like Zhong Hui when he sings into his hair dryer when he thinks he's alone!**

**Zhong Hui:Hey! **

**Sima Shi:*plugs ears* I think this is a song from a guy Xiahou Ba gets his haircut from!**

**Xiahou Ba:*plugged ears* I heard that!**

**Sima Yi:Deng Ai! Destroy this insufferable device!**

**Deng Ai has ear plugs on and he plunges his lance into the boombox, shattering it to pieces.**

**Sima Yi:*sigh* I hear silence...but was that a girl?**

**Sima Shi:I'm aware it's a guy.**

**Sima Yi:He has clearly never hit adolescence.**

**A giant TV screen lands next to them.**

**Sima Yi:What device is this?**

**The screen turns on, having "Wrecking Ball" on.**

**Sima Yi:Ugh! *covers eyes* That looks like Yuanji if she wasn't the responsible girl now.**

**Sima Zhao:Even if she were rowdy, I don't think she would do something like this. Ugh! What is she doing?! *covers eyes***

**Sima Shi:She's- UGH! *covers eyes***

**The screen explodes to pieces.**

**Guo Huai:What a shame...She's using her life for something so disgusting and unruly. Do her parents know about the shame she brings to her family?**

**Sima Yi:Thank you for destroying that device. I was going to punch the screen myself.**

**Shu**

**Jiang Wei:...How did you even get those...?**

**Zhuge Liang:...It feels so cold without it...and the Guan Yu gel is taking forever to take effect...**

**Jiang Wei:..Uhh...what else are you going to do?**

**Zhuge Liang:Maybe this. *holds up paper* **

**Jiang wei:...Will that even work?**

**Wei**

**Sima Yi:*rubs eyes*...I should go to sleep...hmm?**

**He sees two shadows outside of his tent.**

**Sima Yi:Who's there?**

**The first figure moves a bit and speaks. **

**Figure:Did you hear? I heard Zhuge Liang passed away.**

**Figure 2:Oh, that's good, right? We can attack him now.**

**Sima Yi:(No, it could be just a lie just to get me out, but I'll listen a little more.)**

**Figure:I heard he killed himself because he lost his beard.**

**Figure 2:That's stupid. Why is he Master Sima Yi's rival again?**

**Sima Yi:(That a little TOO dumb even by certain standards. But I don't think he would die just of a little prank.)**

**Outside**

**Jiang Wei was holding two human-sized straw puppets by sticks and was imitating the voices the entire time.**

**Jiang Wei:(This...is...so humiliating...Will Sima Yi even fall for it..? Maybe if I do this...)**

**Figure:Hey, let's come up with things that Sima Yi's hat looks like. I think it looks like a upside-down mushroom. **

**Figure 2:Uh...a boot with knitting needles sticking out.**

**Figure:A boat with chopsticks sticking out.**

**Figure 2:A rejected shoe.**

**Sima Yi:*eye twitch*(Ha, ha. Enough with the hat jokes.)**

**Figure:How about his older hats?**

**Figure 2:I think his DW5 and DW6 ones had buttons where they shot lasers.**

**Figure:His DW6 hat looked like it could hold Pringles.**

**Figure 2:How about his DW7 hat?**

**Figure:Oh, I have lots for that one. A dunce cap was my first thought.**

**Figure 2:I think a lighthouse.**

**Figure:I thought he had a boner.**

**Sima Yi:*eyebrows slanting*(Ok, this is just plain insulting. That last one was just disgusting.) **

**Jiang Wei:(This is getting a little fun. I have brought his family as puppets too. I'll use those later. One more little skit.)**

**Figure:How 'bout that ass on Yue Ying?**

**Figure 2:I was thinking about Zhang Chunhua's**

**Figure:You better not let her or Sima Yi hear you.**

**Figure 2:Will he care?**

**Figure:He's not gonna let that slide, obviously. And Zhang Chunhua gonna rip out your you-know-what.**

**Figure 2:How about her chest? She is walkin' around here, showing those off.**

**Figure:Hmm, I don't know, EVERY other women in here does that too!**

**Figure 2:Ok, but I wonder sometimes about, you know, how were Sima Zhao and Sima Shi were born. Those two didn't come by stork. They had to go the "other way".**

**Figure:Now, you've really gone there.**

**Sima Yi:*eyes slanting, twitching*(OK, these guys are getting way too deep into my personal life. I'll go-)**

**Jiang Wei moves the figures away in a walking manner. He hides in a bush. Sima Yi walks outside and looks all around.**

**Sima Yi:Those peons... He walks back inside of his tent.**

**Jiang Wei:*held back snicker*(Now let's get the Sima family out here.) He gets out Sima Zhao, Sima Shi, and Zhang Chunhua straw puppets sets them up. (Now, who's first? I'll put the brothers first.) He walks Sima Zhao and Sima Shi puppets. He does his best impression of the brothers.**

**Not Sima Zhao:Hey, Brother, why does Father hate me?**

**Not Sima Shi:He does not hate you. You are just too damn lazy. He doesn't like that.**

**NSima Zhao:Ok, what about you? He seems to favor you.**

**NSima Shi:I do what I am told to do. **

**NSima Zhao:But I think he is rather displeased with your obsession with meatbuns.**

**NSima Shi:Don't you bring that up!**

**Sima Yi:(Another conflict. Reminds me of Lang, Fu, and I back then.) **

**NSima Shi:I find that unusual Father doesn't have any grey hair or wrinkles. **

**NSima Zhao:I wonder that with Mother. They could be-**

**NSima Shi:Not vampires.**

**NSima Zhao:Special anti-aging cream?**

**NSima Shi:Now, those don't work. Maybe they just take good care of their health.**

**NSima Zhao:Unlike you.**

**NSima Shi:Again with that?**

**Jiang Wei:(What can I do with them? Oh, well, now I'll put Zhang Chunhua. Wait, can I even do her voice? I'll try.)**

**He puts the Zhang Chunhua puppet up and near the Shi and Zhao puppets.**

**NZhang Chunhua:*slightly off*What is this arguing about?**

**Sima Yi:(Her voice is off...maybe something wrong with her throat.)**

**NSima Zhao:Oh, you're here. Umm...Shi was asking how you and father look so young.**

**NSima Shi:Zhao! It's none of my business, I know. Please forgive me!**

**NZhang Chunhua:I don't know myself...**

**NSima Zhao:Ok, let's go, Shi.**

**Jiang Wei makes the puppets walk away from the tent. He then gains control of the Zhang Chunhua puppet.**

**Sima Yi:My dear, are you okay? Your voice sounds funny.**

**Jiang Wei:(Oh, no! I have to think of something quick!)**

**NZhang Chunhua:*a little more off*Oh, I'm fine. I just have a sore throat.**

**Sima Yi:Sounds like it has gotten worse. Do you need to rest?**

**NZhang Chunhua:No, I'm fine.**

**Jiang Wei:(If he offers to let her in, I'm toast!)**

**Sima Yi:Are you sure? You can come in.**

**Jiang wei:(Damn it! I have to think of something! A type of distraction. An explosion would help.)**

**He takes out a couple of firecrackers and lights them. He throws them near the middle of the camp.**

**NZhang Chunhua:What's that? I'll go check it out.**

**Jiang Wei takes all of the puppets and hides in the bush.**

**Sima Yi comes out of the tent.**

**Sima Yi:What was that? **

**(Real)Sima Shi: It was a firecracker. Zhao!**

**(Real)Sima Zhao:What? I did not do it!**

**Sima Yi:Then who did? And where's your mother?**

**Sima Zhao:She was standing over there. Then she went to her tent.**

**Sima Yi:But I saw her outside my tent.**

**Sima Shi:We didn't see her leave her tent.**

**(Real)Zhang Chunhua:What is all this noise? **

**Sima Yi:Oh, you feel better?**

**Zhang Chunhua:What are you talking about? Of course I'm fine. You thought I was sick?**

**Sima Yi:But I heard you outside my tent, you had a sore throat.**

**Zhang Chunhua:I did not, I was at my tent the entire time.**

**Sima Yi:...Then who was it that was outside my tent?**

**Jiang Wei gets the bush and moves away, taking the puppets with him.**

**Shu**

**Zhuge Liang:What did you do? Did you stick to the script?**

**Jiang Wei:I did all the ones you said to do. I made Sima Yi's family and made them act some things out. He almost caught me though.**

**Zhuge liang:Is he going to attack?**

**Jiang Wei:No, he looked like he didn't believe it. (Who would?)**

**Zhuge Liang:I'll send an "advanced" message to him.**

**Wei**

**Another TV screen lands near Sima Yi. **

**Sima Yi:Where does he even get these?**

**The screen turns on with Zhuge Liang staring at him.**

**Zhuge Liang:Hello, Sima Yi.**

**Sima Yi:Still upset with your bare face?**

**Zhuge Liang:No, but I see you still have that goatee. Getting used to it?**

**Sima Yi:If I just cut it off with a knife, it will come back. But why are "you" here? I would like to bash the screen in now.**

**Zhuge Liang:I- What are you doing?**

**Sima Yi takes out a marker and draws on the screen. **

**Sima Yi:Just making you more tolerable.*snickers* He draws a curly moustatche on where Zhuge Liang is facing the screen.**

**Zhuge Liang:Hey! I look like Yuan Shao now! Erase this!**

**Sima Yi:This says it's permanent ink. Better include a goatee. He draws it on where Zhuge Liang's chin was.**

**Zhuge Liang:...You bastard...I'll just move over. And as I was saying-What are you writing now?**

**Sima Yi writes "Imbecile" with and arrow pointing at Zhuge Liang.**

**Sima Yi:*laughs* How can I NOT pass this up?**

**Zhuge Liang:..*eyes slanting*... He takes out a remote and press a button.**

**The TV explodes, sending Sima Yi flying.**

**Sima Yi:..*coughs*...He, I should do that every time he sends one of those devices over and I just acted out of character, but who cares? **

**Shu**

**Zhuge Liang:..*mutters*...**

**Jiang Wei:How did it go? **

**Zhuge Liang:He drew on the screen when I was talking.**

**Jiang Wei:*snickers* What did you get to say?**

**Zhuge Liang:Nothing. He doesn't seem to be any bad mood. What can get him get him to get so worked up?**

**Jiang Wei:You. **

**Zhuge Liang:He doesn't seem to be hateful towards me anymore. When we cross paths, he gives me a "meh" instead of "I hate you." Who else could make him irritated?**

**Jiang Wei:Cao Cao, Cao Pi, Sima Zhao, Zhong Hui, and everyone in Shu.**

**Zhuge Liang:Wait, he seems to get ticked off when you say "benevolence". And when I say "benevolence". That's it!**

**Wei**

**Jiang Wei:I swear to build a land of benevolence!**

**Sima Shi:Oh, that boy's here. Shall we take care of him?**

**Sima Yi:He doesn't have an army. It might be a trap.**

**Jiang Wei:Benevolence!**

**Sima Yi: What is he doing?**

**Benevolence! Benevolence! Benevolence! Benevolence! BENEVOLENCE!**

**Sima Shi:Has he gone mad?**

**Zhuge Liang:*hiding nearby* (Now, he has to continue to say that until he comes.)**

**BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE!**

**Sima Yi:*eye twitch* Is he trying to make me angry? It's not working.**

***30 minutes later***

**Sima Yi:*bags under his eyes* I...can't...sleep...He...is...still...going...**

**BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE! BENEVOLENCE!**

**Sima Shi:*has bags too* Father...can... I go now?...To...kill...that...annoying...pest...**

***1 hour later***

**Sima Yi:*eyes red*...How...can...he...be...still...talking...?**

**BENEVOLENCE BENEVOLENCE BENEVOLENCE BENEVOLENCE**

**Jiang Wei is sipping tea while sitting next to a boombox with a megaphone attached to it.**

**Jiang Wei:I think he'll go insane after this.**

**Zhuge Liang:He is already insane. Huh, what's that?**

**A streak of dust and smoke is coming closer and closer and Sima Yi comes out of it, then roundhouse kicks Jiang Wei.**

**Sima Yi:SHUUUUT UUUUUP! **

**Jiang Wei:OOOOFFF! Wait, I...AHH! HOW DO YOU HAVE THAT?**

**Sima Yi pulls out a gun on Jiang Wei.**

**Sima Yi:*eyes glow red* SAY BENEVOLENCE AGAIN! SAY IT! SAY BENEVOLENCE AGAIN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERF**CKER! SAY BENEVOLENCE ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!**

**Jiang Wei:*hands up, eyes wide open*...(Chancellor, help me! Oh, forget it! He's not!) **

**Zhuge Liang was watching eyes wide open. He gets a remote and presses a button.**

**Boombox:Benevolence!**

***POW***

**Sima Yi:*turns to Zhuge Liang's hiding spot* YOU'RE NEXT!**

**Zhuge Liang gets up and runs. Sima Yi chases after him.**

**Zhuge Liang:(I didn't know he can get THIS angry! I have to get back!)**

**Bullets fly all over the place. One hits him in the leg.**

**Zhuge Liang:GAHH! Wait, I-**

**Sima Yi:Save it! Get over here! He grabs Zhuge Liang's robe and pulls him back. He points the gun near his head.**

***CLICK***

**Sima Yi:No more of those projectiles. But it has another use. He turns the gun to the handle and is about to hit him.**

**Zhuge Liang:How about I get you Liu Bei's razor back when he had to get rid of his moustache? **

**Sima Yi:I'm not using something your dead lord put on his face!**

**Zhuge Liang:I'll wash it in boiling hot water!**

**Sima Yi:Hmm...fine. He lets go of him. Bring them in about twenty minutes. **

***Fifteen minutes later***

**Zhuge Liang:Here. *gives the razor*Here is some shaving cream.**

**Sima Yi:This blade feels like you dipped it in lava. Well, better than using a knife.**

** Zhuge Liang:...Heh, so we're good?... **

**Sima Yi:Oh, I can't be so lenient towards you. I have to at least give you life-threatening injuries.**

**Zhuge Liang:What? Why?**

**Sima Yi:What? Did I hear you sound helpless? Without an army, you're like a deer without its mother. How disappointing...I heard you grew on a farm? Could you at least fight back without your fan?**

**Zhuge liang:..Uhh..it has been a while since I had to do any hard labor...**

**Sima Yi:Ha! Pampered little boy after you joined Liu Bei? But chat time is over. Oh? I have one more projectile in this weapon. Well, I have an idea.**

**Zhuge Liang:...You're going to kill me? **

**Sima Yi:Oh, no. That's no fun. **

**Zhuge Liang:You're evil personified...**

**Sima Yi:Really? I thought for a moment I lost that evil touch after Jia Chong came in. After the KISS reject came in, all the evil things went to him. All I had was the laughter. He aims the gun at Zhuge Liang's other undamaged leg.**

***POW***

**Zhuge Liang:GAHH! F**K! *F**K YOU! I CAN'T WALK BACK TO MY CAMP, YOU EVIL SON OF A B***H! #$%&%&! A**HOLE! **

**Sima Yi:Yes, yes I am. Ahh, still got it in me. Figure that out, not my problem. *evil laughter* **

**He walks away, leaving Zhuge Liang lying on the ground with two bullet holes in both of his legs.**

**Zhuge Liang:I'm going to die of blood loss...and there is no blood!**

**Jiang Wei:Chancellor! Oh, no! What happened? Sima Yi got to you! (Good, he needed that.)**

**Zhuge liang:How? You were shot yourself!**

***Flashback***

**Sima Yi:YOU'RE NEXT! *chases Zhuge Liang***

**Jiang Wei:(Is he gone?) He gets up. *sighs* This armor is actually useful. He pries off the bullet off the chest plate he was wearing. Something so tiny really packs a punch.**

***End flashback***

**Zhuge Liang:..Ugh..from now on, I should wear some armor.**

**Jiang Wei picks him up and puts him in a wooden wheelchair. He then pushes him in the direction of the Shu camp.**

**Zhuge Liang:I'm stuck in this, right? **

**Jiang Wei:Yes, you won't be able to go out into battle.**

**Zhuge Liang:Agh...I can't give Sima Yi my revenge...I'll die before even settling the score.**

**Jiang Wei:Do that when you two pass on. Maybe you can settle it while in Heaven.**

**Zhuge Liang:That man is going to the underworld based on his actions.**

**Wei**

**Sima Shi:Father, what took you so long? Did you kill him?**

**Sima Yi:No, that would be too boring. I left Zhuge Liang unable to use his legs.**

**Sima Shi:...Oh...so...you broke them? **

**Sima Yi:You can say that.**

**Sima Shi:Oh...(He could do that? I should try not to make him too angry from now on.)**

**Jia Chong:Oh, you're ba-**

**Sima Yi sprays the shaving cream onto Jia Chong's face.**

**Sima Yi:*slightly displeased* Shove it. **

**Jia Chong:*spits* What did I do?**

**Sima Yi:Nothing. Just you existing makes me want to puke. **

**Jia Chong:..What..?**

**Sima Yi walks away with a smirk.**

**The actual battle at Wu Zhang**

**Sima Yi:Ah, I can think now without the itch bothering me. That blade worked wonders. Maybe that's why Liu Bei never had facial hair for about eight years.**

**Sima Shi:Oh, I see you got rid of it. **

**Sima Zhao:..Now back to looking like a woman...*BAM* OWW!**

**Sima Yi:Again, I do not look like a woman! Oh, well, how's Zhuge Liang doing? Can't walk?**

**Sima Shi:I saw him getting pushed around in a wheelchair. I saw he had some stubble.**

**Sima Yi:So, they weren't able to heal him. Oh, what a shame. *laughs* And that Guan Yu gel is taking effect now. But he doesn't have much time now. **

**Shu**

**Zhuge Liang:I have to sit here the entire battle?**

**Yue Ying:My lord, we can't just put you out there, you'll be vulnerable to enemy attacks.**

**Zhuge Liang:It's Sima Yi's fault...He put me in this chair! Anyone who is able to get close, put Sima Yi in a chair when you get to him! He will feel my pain!**

**Jiang Wei:What if we got someone else?**

** Zhuge Liang:Get Sima Yi and only Sima Yi. Anyone else is a waste of arrows, or not worth soiling your blade over. *coughs blood***

**Yue Ying:You are not well...**

**Zhuge Liang:Advance the troops!**

**Soldiers:Yes! **

**Zhuge Liang:Now..*black screen* Wait, what's happening? **

**LOADING LOADING LOADING LOADING LOADING... **

**Sima Yi:OOFF!**

**Jiang Wei:You're finished, Sima Yi!**

**Zhuge Liang:Wait, what?! You just skipped the entire battle?**

**Jiang Wei:Now I shall disable your legs, just like you did to Chancellor! **

**Sima Yi:Nope. **

**Jiang Wei:Wha-**

**Skip this cutscene?**

No** Yes**

**LOADING LOADING LOADING LOADING...**

**Jiang Wei:Chancellor!**

**Zhuge Liang:Did you do it?**

**Jiang wei:No...when I was going to, I was automatically transferred here.**

**Zhuge Liang:No...I didn't...get to...*falls dead***

**Jiang Wei:Nooo! **

**Sima Yi:Oh, Zhuge Liang's dead. Meh. He'll be back because of Koei's medical technology.**


End file.
